Saturday, February 7, 2009

Peace, perhaps

I am holding onto yesterday's thoughts and feel more at peace today. All day yesterday, I turned off NPR, turned on music and let the problems of the world go, and gave myself some time. I can choose to be miserable or make the most of my life. What I have is my life and I need to choose to do better. Yes there is a big gaping hole without my mom and dad, and there always will be, but the only way I fill it it is by moving forward. Not moving on. I can't move ON without them. Moving on feels as if I am leaving them behind and that breaks my heart. But moving forward means choosing to live my life, knowing they were apart of it, knowing they are with me, and keeping their memories alive more my children.

Its hard to lose your best friends...harder to know their not coming back ever...holding on for eternity is not enough right now....I miss them and I need them! These are the thoughts I am burdened with and I seriously contemplated them yesterday. They are wearing me down. I need to make changes. I was always happy, carefree, and seriously worry free. My mom called me "no nerves." because I didn't really get stressed and when, very rarely, I did, I did not show it. The last 7 years have taken their toll. My trust in the universe and in myself has been shaken to the core. I have had the audacity to put God on probation for a year and the day he was due to come off, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Probation continued indefinitely. I have lost most of my family and many friends, or people who I thought were friends during my ordeal. Brian and I have been stretched to a place beyond where I thought recovery was possible. I have gained weight and now lost most of it. I am tired. I am a little lost. Nothing in my life is as was.

However, as I realized yesterday, I am still me somewhere buried deep, and I can continue to be me if i try. I was always positive and will work on doing it again. I will let life happen as it is supposed to. I cannot control it anyway, so why make myself miserable. I just need to keep reminding myself of that and how good my life was and is. I have a beautiful daughter. I am working on bringing home a second child and that will happen in due time. I am never going to have the life I dreamed of for my children, with grandparents and a full house at the holidays, but I will have 2 little sweeties who I love, love me, and love each other, filling my house with giggles, silliness, and joy, and that is more that I dared to dream of when I adopted Annika.

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